The Case For Minivans

The first friend that I made at Ferris, my former roommate, is engaged, to be married! What a joyous occasion. Two people beginning their new lives as a married couple. Many things will change in the lives of Caleb and Alyssa (Leb & Slaw). They will move in together, their lives will intertwine even more than they already have, and Slaw will have to put up with Leb’s love of 80s hair bands. One thing will eventually lead to another and in a few years, our friends Caleb and Alyssa will be expecting a small child. At that time neither Caleb’s Volvo, nor Alyssa’s Pontiac will be able to handle the massive amount of nonsense that comes with parenthood and children. Luckily, our friend Caleb is a sensible young man, and he will purchase a minivan.


At this point you might be scratching your head. Why would two twenty-somethings purchase a minivan over the sea of crossovers and small SUVs? Apparently, the rest of the U.S. is asking themselves the same question, according to sales tracking website,, minivan sales were down 14.1% year-over-year last month. I see it every day, people come in looking at new and used crossovers (which are perfectly fine vehicles) because they would “never buy a minivan.” But why not? Why not purchase something that will transport you in comfort, while making your life just a little bit easier. There are three big benefits to owning a minivan, and today I will show you why you should aspire to own one of the least desirable types of vehicles on sale in the United States.

  1. The space and layout that you find in a minivan is unmatched by other types of vehicles.

Show me another vehicle like the 2015 Chrysler Town and Country in which you can fold five seats into the floor in less than five minutes, creating enough room to transport a large male alligator. Their boxy shapes are great for stowing things and the amount of seating space that comes with it will be something that will be hard to pass up.

  1. Modern minivans are basically living rooms on wheels.

Notice this photo, two human adult males enjoying a break from the North American International Auto Show in the middle row of a 2015 Kia Sedona. Notice how the humans are smiling, reclined, and even have their feet up! This kind of transportation luxury is seldom found outside of the confines of a first-class seat on Delta Airlines. Vans today are loaded up with everything from Blu-ray players to backseat charging stations to keep those jabronis you call children from actually making intelligent conversation.

Two guys just enjoying a great van.
Two guys just enjoying a great van.
  1. If James Bond was real, and in the CIA, a minivan is what he would drive.

We all like to think that there really is a Sauvé agent 007 driving around in an Aston Martin DB9 taking down criminal masterminds, but what spies really do is blend in and not get noticed. That is exactly what will happen if you drive a van. You will just be some other person driving their kids to soccer practice, only your “kids” are sniper rifles, and “soccer practice” is the assassination of an African dictator.  These traits actually also makes the minivan the perfect vehicle for organized crime, you’re welcome members of the Algerian Mafia.

The key to purchasing a minivan is acceptance. Chances are you would rather have a sports car, but you should have thought about that when you opted to have a second child. For those normal people who just want a comfortable ride and need to transport the future heirs of their estates a minivan is the only logical choice. Fear not though; as your children will eventually go on to have children of their own. You will be able to downsize to that automatic Corvette you’ve always wanted, and you’ll have never look better arriving to the early bird special at your favorite local buffet.

"A man and his van."
“A man and his van.”

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