Tag Archives: Comedy

The 2015 F-150 Platinum is the Luxury Truck You Didn’t Know You Needed

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2015 F-150 Platinum

When did trucks become luxury vehicles? Who thought it would be a good idea to make a truck that has a 360 degree camera, massaging seats, and an automated parallel parking system? Who cares!? Luxury trucks are the epitome of having it all. Want to be in total comfort but also pick up your new poolside sculpture of a pair of dolphins? The F-150 Platinum is the solution to all of your problems.

If you’ve ever wanted a list of reasons to treat yourself this holiday season, my friend you’ve come to the right place. By my mathematical calculations I have concluded that there are five reasons you needed to be in a top of the line f-150, yesterday.

  1. Value

Since when did a truck with an MSRP in the neighborhood of $60,000 represent a value? How about when you save $10,000 over the price of base V8 BMW X5, or when your bank account is $32,300 dollars richer because you got the F-150 rather than a base model Mercedes Benz GL550. You also wouldn’t want to put 2100 lbs. of wet, seaweed covered gold doubloons from the shipwreck you just discovered in the back of either of those cushy SUVs.

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2015 F-150 Platinum.
  1. Utility

Trucks by nature are vehicles built to work. Adding some excellent leather, huge chrome wheels, and cutting edge technology doesn’t change that simple fact. The two trucks that we had as store manager demos in our inventory here at Bill Marsh Kalkaska both have heated/cooled seats and a twin panel moon roof, plus they can tow at least 9000 lbs. with their 5.0 V8s. Speaking of that excellent and proven V8, it produces 385HP and 387 lb-ft. of torque. When you are in the perfectly climate controlled cab you might just forget about the 2100 lbs. that these SuperCrew F-150s can hold in their beds. That’s a lot of cheddar!

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Lots of room for gold doubloons.
  1. Luxury

We would not even be having this conversation if the F-150 Platinum wasn’t equipped like the opulent Mercedes S-Class. The Platinum goes far beyond the leather seats, chrome accents, and a touchscreen entertainment/navigation system. It offers a 360 degree camera that provides a complete view of your surrounds when you are trying to maneuver around that tight parking lot at the country club. Once you’ve found a parallel parking spot downtown on a Saturday night, these trucks will park themselves with just the push of a button. Not only that, imagine how dignified you’ll look when you pull up to the valet station and as you open your doors, the power deployable running boards lower allowing you do perform an ultra-cool 007-equese entry…suave bow-tie adjustment and all.

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360 degree camera in action. 
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Front Camera.

 

  1. The F-150 Platinum has Massaging, Multicountour Seats

Time is money, why spend your money with a masseuse when you can get a similar experience during the commute you are already making each day. Let’s do some math.

1 hour with a masseuse on average= $60

Average American commute (minutes per day) = 50

If we say that your home is slightly farther from work than average, roughly 60 minutes, we now kill two birds with one stone. Each day you will get a massage!

For someone who gets a massage each week you are saving $3,120 if you were only use the seats one day per week for a year!

However, if you use them every workday that equates to $14,400 worth of free massages each year!

Talk about incredible deals and a well massaged back and bottom.

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Silver truck interior.
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White truck interior.
  1. Insane December Deals

Once you’ve worked hard and earned your money, the last thing you want to do is waste it. This month Ford has put together some great offers on new 2015 F-150s. For December, qualified buyers can get 0% financing for 60 months, plus no payments for the first 90 days. Pair that free money with a pair of prices $1500 below invoice on the two manager demo 2015 F-150 Platinums that we have in stock here at Bill Marsh Ford in Kalkaska and you have got yourself an excellent proposition.

An example:

White F-150 Platinum carries an MSRP of $62,445. A Bill Marsh price including the Demo-discount of $55,067.44 equals $7,377.56 of savings before you calculate all of the cash you save with the 0% financing.

You owe it to yourself to have it all this December by giving me call at 231-258-5026, saddling up a dinosaur by sending a fax to 231-258-4192, or by email to sdorland@billmarsh.com to schedule a test drive.

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My face after an excellent massage, courtesy of the 2015 F-150 Platinum. 

 

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The World’s Best Winter Car

After a beautiful summer, the inevitable has happened. The place I call home, Northern Michigan officially has snow in the forecast. Cue the miserable cold, snow removal, holidays, and everyone’s favorite: slippery roads. Many people in what is affectionately known as the, “Snowbelt,” are probably freaking out. Not me though, I’ve got this “winter” thing all figured out. I have purchased a 4×4 vehicle with plenty of ground clearance, limited-slip differentials, and a huge American V8 that I can use to intentionally make my SUV spin around in an exciting fashion. Do those qualities really make up the perfect winter vehicle though? Would I have been just fine driving my beloved VW throughout the coldest, snowiest portion of the year? Today we will find out what makes the perfect winter vehicle and what you need to do to prepare to tackle the snowy hellscape that shows up every winter.

My very own Jeep.
My very own Jeep.

If you asked random people what they would want to traverse the roads during the winter months, many would just say what they have always been told and blurt out, “four wheel drive, duh!” And out of those people, some would require a real 4×4 powertrain, while others would be content with all-wheel drive. The first group of these people, the 4×4 fanboys, are terrified of modern engineering. They think that if you don’t have to pull a lever or turn a knob to engage 4×4 you aren’t going to have a chance driving through the half inch of snow many city commuters have to traverse to get to their workplaces. Friends, I’m here to tell you that if you insist your engine drives all four of your wheels you most likely don’t actually need to have a transfer-case (and if you don’t know what a transfer case is, you definitely don’t need one). True four wheel drive trucks and SUVs are best suited for those planning on doing some moderate to extreme off-roading, and don’t even pretend that you will ever do anything that even comes close. For the rest of us, an awd or even fwd setup will be just fine to help us find traction.

Are these so-called “people” correct though? Is 4×4 what you need to survive a winter in a place like northern Michigan?

A so-called, "person."
A so-called, “person.”

Absolutely not.

If you are wondering why you are still reading this, you are about to get a bomb of knowledge dropped right onto the screen of whatever it is the kids these days are using the access the internet.

The perfect winter car, is literally any car.

winter Beetle

I’ll save you some time by writing out some comments that I expect readers of this article will be saying.

“You idiot, the Bugatti Veyron is a terrible winter car.”

“You suck, SUBARU FOR LIFE, BRO.”

“I have a FWD/RWD car with cheap discount tires and I go in the ditch all the time, you know nothing.”

First, the Bugatti Veyron is a terrible winter car, for a climate that gets cold. But it’s the perfect winter car for a drug lord in Miami.

Second, tell me about the times you’ve had to replace the head gaskets in your Subaru, bro. AWD means nothing when your car is overheating in -25 degree weather, and third…

Proper winter or all-season tires will turn any two wheel drive vehicle into a snow conquering chariot.

The last two winters have been the two worst I have ever seen. It felt like the small mid-Michigan college town of Big Rapids was moved to a location right off the ice road highlighted in the History Channel show, “Ice Road Truckers.” So I definitely had a 4×4 SUV or truck because I never missed a day of class, right? Absolutely not, the car that got me through many blizzards, and whiteouts was a simple Volkswagen Beetle riding on some nice all-season rubber. I vividly remember driving around many-a-stuck SUV in my underpowered hatchback. With a set of winter tires, I could have probably driven to the North Pole. Tires are the only part of your car that touch the road, and a set of snow tires give you the traction you need to get moving. Want to go one step further and go from extremely capable to truly unstoppable? Put a set of snow tires on an AWD or 4WD SUV and tell me how many feet of snow you effortlessly drove though.

So friends, if you have no reason other than snow to purchase something with 4×4 or AWD, don’t! Get the car that you really want, and don’t get too bent out of shape over four months of the year. If an awkwardly tall guy in a VW Beetle can get where he needs to go, so can you in a Ford Fusion with snow tires.

As a little bit of inspiration, I will include many photographs of unlikely vehicles partaking in fun winter activities.

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Photo Cred: Stingrayforums.com
Ferrari-FF_2012_1600x1200_wallpaper_5e.980x0
Photo Cred: carsvibe.com
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A Miata, crushing winter.
Photo Cred: Mohammed Alibrahim
Photo Cred: Mohammed Alibrahim

The Case For Minivans

The first friend that I made at Ferris, my former roommate, is engaged, to be married! What a joyous occasion. Two people beginning their new lives as a married couple. Many things will change in the lives of Caleb and Alyssa (Leb & Slaw). They will move in together, their lives will intertwine even more than they already have, and Slaw will have to put up with Leb’s love of 80s hair bands. One thing will eventually lead to another and in a few years, our friends Caleb and Alyssa will be expecting a small child. At that time neither Caleb’s Volvo, nor Alyssa’s Pontiac will be able to handle the massive amount of nonsense that comes with parenthood and children. Luckily, our friend Caleb is a sensible young man, and he will purchase a minivan.

van

At this point you might be scratching your head. Why would two twenty-somethings purchase a minivan over the sea of crossovers and small SUVs? Apparently, the rest of the U.S. is asking themselves the same question, according to sales tracking website, www.goodcarbadcar.net, minivan sales were down 14.1% year-over-year last month. I see it every day, people come in looking at new and used crossovers (which are perfectly fine vehicles) because they would “never buy a minivan.” But why not? Why not purchase something that will transport you in comfort, while making your life just a little bit easier. There are three big benefits to owning a minivan, and today I will show you why you should aspire to own one of the least desirable types of vehicles on sale in the United States.

  1. The space and layout that you find in a minivan is unmatched by other types of vehicles.

Show me another vehicle like the 2015 Chrysler Town and Country in which you can fold five seats into the floor in less than five minutes, creating enough room to transport a large male alligator. Their boxy shapes are great for stowing things and the amount of seating space that comes with it will be something that will be hard to pass up.

  1. Modern minivans are basically living rooms on wheels.

Notice this photo, two human adult males enjoying a break from the North American International Auto Show in the middle row of a 2015 Kia Sedona. Notice how the humans are smiling, reclined, and even have their feet up! This kind of transportation luxury is seldom found outside of the confines of a first-class seat on Delta Airlines. Vans today are loaded up with everything from Blu-ray players to backseat charging stations to keep those jabronis you call children from actually making intelligent conversation.

Two guys just enjoying a great van.
Two guys just enjoying a great van.
  1. If James Bond was real, and in the CIA, a minivan is what he would drive.

We all like to think that there really is a Sauvé agent 007 driving around in an Aston Martin DB9 taking down criminal masterminds, but what spies really do is blend in and not get noticed. That is exactly what will happen if you drive a van. You will just be some other person driving their kids to soccer practice, only your “kids” are sniper rifles, and “soccer practice” is the assassination of an African dictator.  These traits actually also makes the minivan the perfect vehicle for organized crime, you’re welcome members of the Algerian Mafia.

The key to purchasing a minivan is acceptance. Chances are you would rather have a sports car, but you should have thought about that when you opted to have a second child. For those normal people who just want a comfortable ride and need to transport the future heirs of their estates a minivan is the only logical choice. Fear not though; as your children will eventually go on to have children of their own. You will be able to downsize to that automatic Corvette you’ve always wanted, and you’ll have never look better arriving to the early bird special at your favorite local buffet.

"A man and his van."
“A man and his van.”

Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems

Full Disclosure: This article was written by a jagaloon who thinks he is starting to figure things out. Read at your own risk.

Mo Money Mo problems

Michael Scott, former regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton said it best. What most people don’t realize is that mo problems isn’t always a bad thing.

The college lifestyle is so simple. You pick your schedule, you have no real commitments, you do whatever you want, and you never realize that you will won’t experience that feeling again until you retire. In college, you typically have limited to no money, and you either realize something, or you remember it: that people and experience are what it’s all about, and having some extra cash to spice things up is just a bonus. I miss college, I would go back and do it all over in a heartbeat. Fortunately though, I’m no time-traveler. I’m forced to be an adult now and deal with adult issues. Which actually sounds about as fun as licking a wet dog, but it’s actually an opportunity to make the most out of what you learned, both in and out of the classroom.

It’s been three month since I graduated from Ferris State University. In those three months I’ve moved into my own house, started my career, and I’ve made many adult decisions (many of which I documented with my innovative Twitter hashtag, #adulting). The common thread amongst all of these things is that they all come from or with my newly found cash flow. For me, and many of my classmates, that simple lifestyle we enjoyed in school is over.

Reality check to anyone who is still in school: Someday you will have to figure out your own healthcare plan.

Spoiler Alert: It’s not as fun as it sounds. 

Mutual funds are a real thing, you have to schedule your own dentist appointments, and getting up before 7am is something you stop complaining about. Buying a new car becomes a viable option, and you learn that there is actually some joy in buying furniture and visiting home improvement stores.

Everyday in your adult life, you are bombarded with problems. How do you best minimize the risk in your stock portfolio? Can you get away with not ironing that shirt for work? How much dental coverage should you have through your workplace’s insurance policy? Is it okay to keep ordering pizza for dinner every other night? Why don’t all of your friends live two seconds from you anymore? What is your favorite mircobrew? Luckily, you have been preparing for all of these questions and more for the last four (or more) years.

The thing about having no money and a simple lifestyle is that you find out very quickly what is important to you, and where your priorities lie. Life may seem like it’s nothing but questions, problems, and issues, but you just have to remember that even though your income has changed, you haven’t. Every hard decision you have to make only helps prepare you even more for the next one.

There’s an old African proverb that goes, ” calms seas do not make skilled sailors.” Every time you have to make a tough choice, like deciding between a blue Porsche and a red one, you learn something. Life would be boring if you never had to make a tough choice, and many times those tough choices will result in great decisions. The important thing to remember is that no matter how much money, how many problems, or how many Porsches you have, you are still that person who somehow lived on Taco Bell and Natty.

In the last episode of the last season of the greatest show ever, The Office, Andy Bernard is reminiscing on his time with Dunder Mifflin. Throughout the series he goes through a roller coaster of situations (many very very unfortunate), but at the end of the day, all of the problems and issues that he when through lead to his dream job.

andy

I’ll finish with a second spoiler alert:

Someday when you look back at your life, you will think about all the great times you’ve had, and if you can just remember that you are always in the good old days you will get to enjoy them to the fullest, twice.