Tag Archives: Post-Grad

The Case For Minivans

The first friend that I made at Ferris, my former roommate, is engaged, to be married! What a joyous occasion. Two people beginning their new lives as a married couple. Many things will change in the lives of Caleb and Alyssa (Leb & Slaw). They will move in together, their lives will intertwine even more than they already have, and Slaw will have to put up with Leb’s love of 80s hair bands. One thing will eventually lead to another and in a few years, our friends Caleb and Alyssa will be expecting a small child. At that time neither Caleb’s Volvo, nor Alyssa’s Pontiac will be able to handle the massive amount of nonsense that comes with parenthood and children. Luckily, our friend Caleb is a sensible young man, and he will purchase a minivan.

van

At this point you might be scratching your head. Why would two twenty-somethings purchase a minivan over the sea of crossovers and small SUVs? Apparently, the rest of the U.S. is asking themselves the same question, according to sales tracking website, www.goodcarbadcar.net, minivan sales were down 14.1% year-over-year last month. I see it every day, people come in looking at new and used crossovers (which are perfectly fine vehicles) because they would “never buy a minivan.” But why not? Why not purchase something that will transport you in comfort, while making your life just a little bit easier. There are three big benefits to owning a minivan, and today I will show you why you should aspire to own one of the least desirable types of vehicles on sale in the United States.

  1. The space and layout that you find in a minivan is unmatched by other types of vehicles.

Show me another vehicle like the 2015 Chrysler Town and Country in which you can fold five seats into the floor in less than five minutes, creating enough room to transport a large male alligator. Their boxy shapes are great for stowing things and the amount of seating space that comes with it will be something that will be hard to pass up.

  1. Modern minivans are basically living rooms on wheels.

Notice this photo, two human adult males enjoying a break from the North American International Auto Show in the middle row of a 2015 Kia Sedona. Notice how the humans are smiling, reclined, and even have their feet up! This kind of transportation luxury is seldom found outside of the confines of a first-class seat on Delta Airlines. Vans today are loaded up with everything from Blu-ray players to backseat charging stations to keep those jabronis you call children from actually making intelligent conversation.

Two guys just enjoying a great van.
Two guys just enjoying a great van.
  1. If James Bond was real, and in the CIA, a minivan is what he would drive.

We all like to think that there really is a Sauvé agent 007 driving around in an Aston Martin DB9 taking down criminal masterminds, but what spies really do is blend in and not get noticed. That is exactly what will happen if you drive a van. You will just be some other person driving their kids to soccer practice, only your “kids” are sniper rifles, and “soccer practice” is the assassination of an African dictator.  These traits actually also makes the minivan the perfect vehicle for organized crime, you’re welcome members of the Algerian Mafia.

The key to purchasing a minivan is acceptance. Chances are you would rather have a sports car, but you should have thought about that when you opted to have a second child. For those normal people who just want a comfortable ride and need to transport the future heirs of their estates a minivan is the only logical choice. Fear not though; as your children will eventually go on to have children of their own. You will be able to downsize to that automatic Corvette you’ve always wanted, and you’ll have never look better arriving to the early bird special at your favorite local buffet.

"A man and his van."
“A man and his van.”
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Seven Words and Phrases You Needed to Start Using Yesterday.

Your vocabulary is a great way to set yourself apart from the crowd, both personally and professionally. I have decided to put together a list of my most used phrases and words to help out those who care, but that’s not all…I have made the whole list available for the low low price of zero dollar and zero cents. Wow, what a deal.

Let’s go learn something.

scott blog

Rapscallion

This is a word very close to my heart. Google the word and you will see that it technically means, “a mischievous person,” but technically, it means so much more. You can literally call anyone a rapscallion for doing anything questionable.

“Steve stole Kyle’s signature song at karaoke last night,” one friend says to another. “What a Rapscallion.” says the other friend.

Rapscallion really stands out these days, it is a great way to show your disapproval of something while still keeping the conversation on the lighter side.

Jagaloon

I threw down the big ones right up front. Jagaloon (as made famous by the movie, Stepbrothers), simply means lunatic or idiot. Use this term to refer to a person doing dumb things. When your best friend says something embarrassing to the fine lady you are romancing you can just blow it off saying:

“Just ignore George, he’s quite the Jagaloon.” 

Jagaloon is a great word to use along side Rapscallion, the two words together never fail to prove a point.

Jabroni 

The word Jabroni has no true definition, but I think of it as a person who just doesn’t get it. This person wears cargo shorts with white sunglasses and says the word “bro” way too often. Jabronis care way too much about their image, but they don’t understand that their image isn’t worth caring about.

Guy 1: Did you see that last guy in the cargo shorts tee off?

Guy 2: Yeah, my grandmother could hit the ball farther…What a Jabroni. 

In 1964 Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart famously said “I know it when I see it,” in reference to his person test to obscenity. Today, I’m saying the same phrase can be applied to Jabronis.

Out For A Rip

When you really give something your all, you take it Out For A Rip. This is a great way to let people know that you really are the boss, and that you want everyone to be on the same page. See also: Out For A Major Rip to describe something totally awesome.

Man, you really took those tacos Out For A Rip. 

What better way is there to tell people the state of your effort in any particular activity than a phrase that doesn’t really mean anything?

Ultracrepidarian

Do you have a friend who always thinks that they know what they are talking about, but never actually do? Well friend, I have the word for you. An Ultracrepidarian is someone who does just that. Flabbergast them next time they try to tell you a fact they think is correct (but totally isn’t) by calling them out.

Guy one: Did you know that kangaroos often become best friends with Koalas, conveniently sharing the responsibility of purchasing their favorite beverages for their parties?

Guy two: you are so full of it, you Ultracrepidarian.

I can’t believe this article is free.  

The Fans

This simple phrase is used to make yourself sound important. The reason you did something can always be “for The Fans.” It makes you sound super cool, and who doesn’t want to have fans?

Sam: Nice work on that super sweet burnout you did over there, Jack.

Jack: Thanks, I did it for the fans. 

Jack sounds like a super cool dude.

They Knew What They Didn’t Know

What do you say when someone really nails it with something that they said? Do you say, “wow, I can’t believe that you were right?” No, of course not, you proclaim this phrase, stating that they knew it all along. It’s a great way to end an awkward interaction about a news story or to wrap a conversation about something that happened in the past.

Tim: Man, I can’t believe that new Fast and Furious movie was terrible.

Dave: Yeah, it sucked. Although I remember Will telling me years ago that they were going to take that franchise too far.

Tim: Wow, I guess he Knew What He Didn’t Know. 

Say that line at the next party you attend.

SUPER BONUS: Take any word and abbreviate it, you’ll make anything sound fresh, and you save tons of valuable time.

What a Jabrone. 

That was a delicious Zza.

Nice abbreving, mate

Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems

Full Disclosure: This article was written by a jagaloon who thinks he is starting to figure things out. Read at your own risk.

Mo Money Mo problems

Michael Scott, former regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton said it best. What most people don’t realize is that mo problems isn’t always a bad thing.

The college lifestyle is so simple. You pick your schedule, you have no real commitments, you do whatever you want, and you never realize that you will won’t experience that feeling again until you retire. In college, you typically have limited to no money, and you either realize something, or you remember it: that people and experience are what it’s all about, and having some extra cash to spice things up is just a bonus. I miss college, I would go back and do it all over in a heartbeat. Fortunately though, I’m no time-traveler. I’m forced to be an adult now and deal with adult issues. Which actually sounds about as fun as licking a wet dog, but it’s actually an opportunity to make the most out of what you learned, both in and out of the classroom.

It’s been three month since I graduated from Ferris State University. In those three months I’ve moved into my own house, started my career, and I’ve made many adult decisions (many of which I documented with my innovative Twitter hashtag, #adulting). The common thread amongst all of these things is that they all come from or with my newly found cash flow. For me, and many of my classmates, that simple lifestyle we enjoyed in school is over.

Reality check to anyone who is still in school: Someday you will have to figure out your own healthcare plan.

Spoiler Alert: It’s not as fun as it sounds. 

Mutual funds are a real thing, you have to schedule your own dentist appointments, and getting up before 7am is something you stop complaining about. Buying a new car becomes a viable option, and you learn that there is actually some joy in buying furniture and visiting home improvement stores.

Everyday in your adult life, you are bombarded with problems. How do you best minimize the risk in your stock portfolio? Can you get away with not ironing that shirt for work? How much dental coverage should you have through your workplace’s insurance policy? Is it okay to keep ordering pizza for dinner every other night? Why don’t all of your friends live two seconds from you anymore? What is your favorite mircobrew? Luckily, you have been preparing for all of these questions and more for the last four (or more) years.

The thing about having no money and a simple lifestyle is that you find out very quickly what is important to you, and where your priorities lie. Life may seem like it’s nothing but questions, problems, and issues, but you just have to remember that even though your income has changed, you haven’t. Every hard decision you have to make only helps prepare you even more for the next one.

There’s an old African proverb that goes, ” calms seas do not make skilled sailors.” Every time you have to make a tough choice, like deciding between a blue Porsche and a red one, you learn something. Life would be boring if you never had to make a tough choice, and many times those tough choices will result in great decisions. The important thing to remember is that no matter how much money, how many problems, or how many Porsches you have, you are still that person who somehow lived on Taco Bell and Natty.

In the last episode of the last season of the greatest show ever, The Office, Andy Bernard is reminiscing on his time with Dunder Mifflin. Throughout the series he goes through a roller coaster of situations (many very very unfortunate), but at the end of the day, all of the problems and issues that he when through lead to his dream job.

andy

I’ll finish with a second spoiler alert:

Someday when you look back at your life, you will think about all the great times you’ve had, and if you can just remember that you are always in the good old days you will get to enjoy them to the fullest, twice.